What to post?

I guess that's the question. My last post was on 18 June. And this year I've managed the lowest number of posts ever in spite of writing this one. It is a total #fail on our part.  I still say 'our part' because this was supposed to be a combined effort and my two cronies have been M.I.A. since f*ck knows when.

MM has his ship engines to tend to and EW got married and is now using all his funny bones to entertain his cute kid. The kid looks like his father but without the colour. That, thankfully is his mother's. Nature has saved him from scoff early on.

I've had a colourful year too. My trip to the Himalayas went much better than expected (you can read all about it here. Yes, that's a new blog. Another one to help me neglect this one.
 
But worry not. Next year, you will see a lot more on this blog (pinky swear). My resolution is to think more, jot down the thoughts in a lovely journal and just post them here, there and everywhere. But knowing how my brain works, the question, "What to post?" will still continue to haunt me.

Oh yeah, before I go, wish all our readers or rather just you my dear Pussy, compliments of the season and a grand, beautiful and joyous New Year.

Agony before the Odyssey

Petrol prices have risen across the country and how! The common man is ruing their shameless act of handing the reins of the country to corrupt and indifferent pansies. 

But I have other things on my mind. Like this list that I drew up of my expenditure on my ride till date.

Registration for the Odyssey Hotel Railway tickets Renewal of bike insurance CE approved Jacket Helmet Totally cool knee-guard Balaclava Tank bag Fine for crossing CC’s limit Gloves for winter touring Gloves for summer touring Fleece gloves SDHC Card for the camera Extra camera battery Thermal inners Duckback raincoat Camelback hydration pack Socks for winter use Regular socks Bungee cords Fleece Jacket Undies Medical supplies Pocket knife Bike transport Bike repairs and preparation Total

28,000 3960 3064.18 786 7599 3999 3950 350 1800 500 1700 1750 500 1487 1880 1000 1000 2400 1200 249 240 600 698 1500 720 5000 8500 80482.18

   
All figures in INR
 
I still need to purchase a torch, a couple of locks, get duplicate keys for my bike and maybe purchase dri-fit tees. So, this list will be further updated. Bank account will be given a boost by borrowing 40k from my mom. Yes, I have to do that even at this age. But that’s life.  

Yeah, and now, I can run 4 km without getting tired and do 50 push-ups in 3 sets. So, there’s no chance of me coming back on fitness grounds. The only thing now to hold me back will be the rising fuel prices. And, what good will a Rs. 2 roll-back do? Now that I’m headed to Delhi, I might as well ask that question.

The #HO2012 Update

The training for the Himalayan Odyssey 2012 is in full swing. The 28k to register for the event has been paid, hotel room sorted and train tickets booked. There is one small matter though. My leaves haven't been approved. So there is some 'squeaky bum time' on that front. I'm planning on going regardless. Watch out for my agency's articles in line with my famous Agency Blues articles. I'm sure I'll be cast as the chief antagonist, foiling all their perfect schemes.  

In terms of weight loss, I now weigh a cool 79 kgs. A 10 kilo drop from when I began. I now manage 3.5 kms in 25 minutes (a combination of walk and run) and can do 30 push-ups. With just a month to go, I have to push myself further.

Wish me luck.   

I want to be the biggest loser

I know what the most ardent readers are going to say. They are surely going, "Dude, you always were one of the biggest losers around!" New readers, you will opine the same once you go through the blog. I can't change that but what I am about to change is my weight. Now I can hear you all go, "Ah...". Yes, with ellipses and all. 

My 'Quit-smoking' chronicles are stuff of legends now. By the way, there was no blogpost to commemorate it, but I completed 2 years of a smoke free existence. Two-Fuckin'-years. Now, I'll make that bold. Two-fuckin'-years. In your face nicotine. However, all's not hunky dory in Fat-Old-Son land.

In these two years, Fat Old Son has lived up to his moniker. After I quit smoking, I went from being a light-weight person of about 70 kgs to a rotund (but cute) being of 89 kgs. But if you thought that reaching one short of the magical figure of 90kgs spurred me on to become the Biggest Loser, you are wrong. That's not the reason why. This is:

(Image obtained from burnyourfuel.com. You can see it here.)
Please don't sue e for using it without permission.  

This gruelling trip is a test of both man and machine. I am sure that my machine can handle it. But I am so terribly out of shape that for the first time, I actually have no analogy to provide. Anyway, the prerequisite for the event is physical fitness. One must be able to run 5 km in 50 mins and do 50 push-ups.

Being the 89 kg weakling that I am, I can't manage more than 4 push-ups at the moment and I can't run for more than 2 minutes continuously. And, that's why I have signed up at Big Loser, India in the hope that I stay on track to achieve my goal and remain motivated enough. Also, I will be donating about 1,900 bucks to charity if I do lose all the flab hanging loose.And, you never know, in my quest to becoming the biggest loser, I might be the ultimate winner.

I'll keep you guys updated. Shameless self-promotion to follow. If I do manage to sit on the bike and ride through the Himalayas, I'll b live-tweeting the event. Follow my updates here.

Till I reach 70 kgs my readers (don't worry, you will hear from me much sooner). Ciao. 

Update: I have joined the gym. I can now run about 3 kms in less than 30 mins. And I weigh around 84 kgs. Sweet right?

What's up Scoffers?

Well, if you see the amount of posts this year, you would be wondering what I was up to. Was I roaming the jungles of Africa, finding the cure for AIDS from the very place where it originated? Was I looking for a way to satiate the greed of politicians and lobbyists around the world?  Or was I searching for peace, nirvana and the zen way of life?

The answer my friends is not blowing in the wind (sad joke, I know). You know what this humble narrator was up to all this while? I, my dear readers, was busy selling my soul to the corporate world. That's right. I have managed to get myself a cozy job and become a corporate whore! 

I have been so inundated with work that I've had no time for family, Emily or even you guys. But, an apology is in order. And so is an update of sorts.

I turned 30 on 30 December. Once again, a huge party was thrown in my honour and a huge crowd gathered to congratulate me on reaching the milestone. It was a small matter that 29 December happened to be EW's wedding night. OK, I'll wait till you close your mouth, wash your face, etc. Now that you have snapped back to reality, it's true. EW has tied the knot and got married in a grand ceremony. Pics here. Start with 'Fals & Herman - Part 1 of 7' and move upwards to till you have seen all the photos. Appreciate each and every photo that appears in the albums Part 6 of 7 and Part 7 of 7 as they were clicked by yours truly. Except for the ones in which I'm there. Those weren't clicked by me (obviously! Geez, how dumb ARE you guys?). 

And, if anyone is wondering why EW's cousin - his own flesh and blood - has put Fals' name before his while naming the albums, STOP. If you know EW as well as I do, you'll know that people will put anything and everything before EW. For example, if there was this really corrupt politician about to die in a raging fire and at the same time, somehow, you could save EW from getting raped by a really horny gay gorilla, who would you save? I, as I always have, would leave my friend to his plight and save the politician. Then, I would make the politician buy some alcohol, sit and drink it with him and make an MMS of the love fest between EW and the gorilla. In fuckin' HD, baby! I would also go to the extent of sending it to most of the BJP's MLAs too. That's how much we love EW, don't we?

Anyhoo, after the delving into such erotic depths, my brain needs a breather. I'm sure yours do too. So, here take a look at some baby turtles make their way into the big bad ocean. For images that will make you go, "Awww", click here. If you can't view the awww-inspiring photos (see what I did there? Dude, that's the reason they hired me as a Copy Supervisor), it means that you are part of my family that has somehow found this link. Yes, I have restricted your view of most of my profiles for obvious reasons. You guys are faster and louder than that Aaj Tak guy.

Getting to the big three O has somehow made me bolder and  quite unabashed. So, don't get irritated by the sporadic self promotion in places, the graphic description of animals or even things raping EW. Don't be surprised if I put up a pic of a good friend's ass. Yes, I have quite a few of them. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh! FYI, the good friend in question is male.

Before I make a further ass of myself, here's hoping that all our readers (a total 5 in number according to Google Analytics) have had a great first three months of the New Year. May you make your firm, clients and business more money in the rest of the year than I have made mine in the first three.

Wait, I'm not signing off. After long I have gotten a chance to speak here (and long may this continue) so, I want to take this opportunity to tell you guys that some announcements are coming your way. No. I'm not getting married. Just yet. And, no there's no cure for AIDS. Nor have I found nirvana. But there are a few things I wanted to do before I turned the big three O, which I hope to accomplish by the time I turn three 1. So, watch this space for more. Many more updates to follow.

Till the next post amigos! Ta ta. 

50 Things to Know About Dating an Arsenal Fan

Putting this up here because it's important for Em to know.

1) No phoning during the match
2) For a 3 o clock KO on a Saturday, dont expect me to be around to do anything between noon and 8pm
3) If its a big game and we win, dont expect me home for dinner
4) If i choose to go abroad, your not coming, deal with it
5) If we lose, lets just fuck rather then make love
6) Yes, I do love arsenal more then you
7) If we win and I choose to watch MoTD, please dont annoy me with stupid questions
8) No texting during a match
9) If we lose, NEVER say the words "its only a game"
10) If we lose, dont ask me whats wrong, thats just a stupid question.
11) We will have subscription to Arsenal TV....No arguments.
12) Arsenal on the TV takes priority over anything. Including child birth, i'm sure the baby can hold on for 90 mins
13) I would turn gay for Cesc Fabregas
14) When the boys come round for football on the tele, I only want to see you if you are brining beers to us
15) A mans arsenal shirt and socks is much sexier on you then any underwear or nurses uniform you may own
16) If you want to plan a wedding in advance, make it a Thursday, as that is the only day I can gaurantee arsenal wont play
17) Dont ask what happens on the pre season tour to Amsterdam, it will only upset you
18) Me going to a game can not be used to justify you going on a girls night out
19) Me going abroad to follow the arsenal can not justify you having a girls weekend in Edinburgh
20) If any of your family are spurs fans, dont be suprised for family do's to end in a fight
21) Owning last seasons shirt is no good reason not to buy this seasons.
22) If I must tape an Arsenal game and the only tape in the house is that of our wedding I will go straight ahead.
23) If I start shouting "TONY ADAMS" during sex you are not to complain.
24) If you ever say that Nicklas Bendtner is cute it is over
25) Me spending £1000 on a ST does not justify you spend £200 on a new pair of shoes and a bag to match
26) Me spending £40 on a game ticket does not justify you buying Take That tickets
27) If we have kids, I will name them: Girl; Francesca, Denise or Roberta, Boy; Terry Henry, Tony or Nwankwo
28) Me singing footy songs/chants does not mean you can sing any pop hit.
29) The photo in my wallet is supposed to be of Emmanuel Eboue and not you.
30) My religion is Arsenal, Jesus is not an Arsenal player and can rightly fuck off.
31) Yes, ive been to the game, yes ive watched football first, yes ive watch MOTD, but do not moan when i watch MOTD again sunday morning rather then cook your breakfast
32) Yes, all the arsenal players are sexy, but only i am allowed to say that
33) Arsenal bed covers are not childish
34) Regardless of how good I actually am at playing football you will encourage me and say that maybe one day Arsene will be watching.
35) You will learn how to pronouce all the players names properly (and yes, that does include the reserves and youth team)
36) If you even think about asking how the offside rule works you will be hit faster than you can say "I walked into a door".
37) I work hard to go to football, not pay for you
38) I dont care if its Peggy's funeral, Arsenal in a CL group stage dead rubber is more important
39) When we move house, the most important factor is how far from highbury it is, not where your friends/family live
40) If I choose to watch arsenal 2-0 win at liverpool to win the title or the invincibles repeatedly, and cry at the end I shall
41) I will invite all the Arsenal players to our 10th Wedding Anniversary, if they do not accept you are not allowed to invite anyone in their place.
42) The picture of me with my best mates friend who is the cousin of the guy who cuts Thierry Henry's hair is not coming down from above the bed.
43) You will grow a David Seaman style moustache, if you are unable to grow one we will pay for the treatment (you will pay for the treatment).
44) My pet goldfish Cesc and Kolo are more valuable then your Chihuahuas Paris and Britney
45) No I will not have a picture of you on my phone....It will always be the arsenal badge
46) The spare bedroom shall not be used as your walk in wardrobe...it shall be used as a shrine to the Arsenal.
47) I dont care if its your parents golden wedding anniversary, i'm going to the arsenal
48) Crying when arsenal win a major trophy does not make me a baby
49) You must only think of one thing when i mention this number
50) Want a divorce? thats ok, I still have the arsenal. BYE!

I'm kidding about no. 50. Or am I?  


And this post hasn't been written by me. It has been lifted from here.

Masters of Puppets

For those who don't know my love for Classical Rock, probably would know that I wouldn't miss out on this. Hearing this awesome news, Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai and I were excited like little girls. Pane is a girl so she just got little - figuratively; not literally. So everyone was asked from EW to Al to even the Miracle Monger, who through some miracle made through customs unscathed into India. Well that's another story. Anonymous, don't forget to give me that kick up my butt to pen that one. It's a twisted tale of love, hate, a lot of running around, goons, cops, hiding - in all a perfect masala movie and a great topic for gossip. And, since the monger is remotely logs on to the Internet, I can safely make money off him without any conflict or consequences.

Yes, after my customary digression, let's get back to the topic at hand. "Metallica!" That's exactly how I screamed when I heard that they were coming to India. When I found out that their concert coincided with the inauguration of India's only F1 track, more excitement ensued. When I found out the rates of the F1 tickets that excitement fizzled out into a limp murmur that I couldn't go to Delhi. Thank God for that, don't you think? Else, I would have definitely been a part of this and would have even contemplated streaking my way onto the race track. The world was saved from watching my black ass on the tarmac when Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai offered me free boarding and lodging in namma B'lore along with a thinly veiled threat that I have now grown accustomed to, "Be there or else!"

Before I tell you everything about the show and my time in Bangalore, gear up for another twist in the tale. Last one, I promise. Every year, Cynnocent's father, Mr. Nitin Khot organizes plays or little shows for the kids and elders in their locality in Belgaum. This year, as per his brief, Cynnocent wrote a neat little puppet show. When we realised that there would be more than a 100 people gathered to watch us, the puppet show turned into us getting into costumes, which we in turn executed brilliantly.

Here are a few behind the scenes images shot by yours truly.

The cute little fairy princess played by Xara

Cyonncent explaining a scene to the actors

The two lovely ladies who later transformed into squirrels

Emily, who played Min Min getting into character

The VO artist, who also filled in as the owl clearing his thoughts before he clears his throat

Mr. Khot chilling with the Sound Engg

Brun the bear and the lovely squirrel planning on creating a new species

Shivu (who took over my part) played Bhondu the dog with aplomb

The cast and the support staff before going on stage

The video of the play will be uploaded in a new post, once I fill in the credits (there is one hilarious instance to point out and laugh at). Till then let me tell you about the place we lived in Belgaum. The bungalow was located inside a really old fort that the English converted into their residences when they took over way back in, whenever they did. The massive colonial bungalow was our home for a good 4 days. Diwali was celebrated in the traditional way and Mr. Khot gave us no reason to complain. Black Dog, 100 Pipers, Beer, Hukka and good food was just flowing, which made us not complain too.

Anyway, with a heavy heart we said goodbye to Belgaum on Saturday night - 29th October. But this just meant plonking our ass from one huge Bungalow to another. Pane (pronounced Pah-ne) Pai ensured that Jesu Bhai Patel (the man who played Brun the Bear and who would have shot to fame if it wasn't for me. I didn't upload this video on YouTube) and I were absolutely well taken care off. And, man is her house huge! And the weather in Bangalore? Beautiful. A hairy, long haired dude like me did not sweat one bit. To be frank with you dear readers, I have developed a little crush on the city called Bangalore. Pane (pronounced Pah-ne-I should probably stop this now) Pai spent two good days selling the city and subtly hinting that I settle down there. And, I must say, I am considering that as a serious option.

What about Metallica you say? Come on people, didn't I say I wouldn't miss it for the world? I didn't and it was awesome! All this in spite of the organisors trying their level best to, if not cancel then at least, dampen the spirits of every fan present with their shoddy arrangements and poor crowd control. But Jesu Bhai, Pane and I had the time of our lives (Not the Dirty Dancing one dumbfucks, the Metallica kind). The band was brilliant and they've promised to come back again. I'll promise to go only if they come during Diwali, if Pane okays to host me and if Mr. Khot and Cynoccent decide to tolerate me.

You guys in the meanwhile, keep forcing me to post. Whatever would I do without you all.

Agency Blues: Fun at Work

This post ain't 'bout the blues man. It ain't about my miserable existence at a forsaken place. This one is about fun and a missing person and not about missing person. This post ain't 'bout the blues.

Well after a long time, I had some fun at the place I call work. A colleague and has been AWOL for the past two days (Yes, that's a major concern here) and he might be asked to leave once he is back. But, that did not stop us from having a little fun at his expense.

 
Design: Rajesh Jain
Copy: FOS
 
Update: The missing man was fired from work on June 7, 2011.

Inspirational Quote

And a brilliant one at that:

"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you’re keeping all of them in the air. But one day, you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls — family, health, friends, integrity — are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered. And once you truly understand the lesson of the five balls, you will have beginnings of balance in your life."

— James Patterson, Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas

 

So now, thanks to me, you know which balls are actually important and how to juggle them. It's cool, no need to thank me.

Agency Blues: Confirmation Anger

We all know what it feels like when you are promised something and it doesn't happen. In our personal lives, it hurts but in the professional world, it pisses you off. To such an extent that you want to enact most of the scenes portrayed by the disgruntled characters in the movie 'Office Space'.

Today's anger is directed toward most of my top management. I was supposed to be confirmed after a probationary period of 3 months. It's going to be 6 months now and when I finally garnered the courage (Yes, there are times when I am absolutely timid about confrontation) to talk to the Powers that Be, I got this curt response. "We will decide on Monday, after speaking to Revenges and the Boss." It has been 3 months since the fuckin' stipulated 3 months and they haven't decided as yet? Typical H. effin' R.

Now, I know for a fact that Revenges hates me. And he has the ear of the Boss. So, I am sure that the Boss doesn't like me too. Apart from that, the Boss has already fired close to six people to save costs. And whatever said and done, I don't come cheap. So, I am a cost liability. Therefore, when we add 2 + 2 and make it a number that I want it to be, it could mean only one thing - Termination. Come to think of it, Revenges does look like Arnold Schwarzenegger of yore.  

It's not so much blue as it is red today and you will find me scheming to recreate some of the scenes from the Office Space at my agency from Monday. Yes, I will wait till Monday 'cause you never know, they may promote me because of my laid back, chilled out attitude. Don't believe me, read this. 

Yeah! The clown in question was me. It's unbelievable that I haven't shared it with you guys till date.

Anyway, time to say goodbye. Pray that what I'm hoping for does happen and I am not hoping for a promotion.

Cheers!
A Black Blob.