Thursday, November 15, 2007


Back by popular demand and the itch to write about something absolutely hair raising that boredom impregnates in an idle brain. I don't know if this post will have that effects on people but what the hell, read this anyways. I said READ!!

The story that I'm about to recount is absolutely fresh in my mind and it's coming to you guys because of a drunken conversation I had with EW a few days back. After a round of drinks and a coupla Js, EW and I got nostalgic about Manipal, how much we missed being in Manipal and how we wished we'd still be in college to live that wild life.

Prelude: This takes place when my parents were absolutley fed up with the type of life-style I was leading and decided to put me up in the Church Hostel. I wasn't enjoying my time in this self proclaimed 're-hab' because a) Miracle Monger was my rommie (it was fun but there were times when we drove each other nuts and the two of us combined and made life hell for the priest incharge) and b) there were no fuckin' western loos to relieve yourself. So if you guys know my habits then this was a major hindrance. Squatting is something that I abhor so I would go to EW's apartment every morning for my morning duties and then head out to college.

Characters: Introducing Minni, weighing in at (max) 100 pounds and standing just around 5 feet tall. (I'm sure most of you are familiar with our friend Minni, the man who knows no fear but is a pussy when faced with life threatning situations.)

In the opposite corner I give you 'Pedro', weighing around 100 pounds again but around 5 feet and 10 inches.
Now, Pedro was our senior (just a year older than us) and any resemblance to a goan is coincidental and not fictitious at all. He walked, talked and drank like a local goan goon and I'm proud to say that he is my role model when it comes to drinking and smoking up at the same time.

Then there was me, who at that time weighed around 120 pounds and stood 5 feet and 11 inches tall. The other extras present during the scene were EW, Leo (Leo is the darkest and laziest man on earth and I can say this without fear 'cos he never reads this blog out of sheer laziness) and Red. Red is this extremely rich undi, undi: colloquial for andhrites back then and even now!) whose car Pedro borrowed and without whom this story might have never taken place.

Pic follows to give you guys a perspective of the names that I'll be dropping and a birds eye view of the place.

So coming back to that night. The water in EW's apartment went missing for two days prior to this incident. Pedro arrived in the evening for a few smokes, drinks and to catch up on old times. Minni and I were extremely hygenic hippies and decided to pack up at EW's after all the bottles were emptied and all the Rs 35/- packs of 'Nitya the great' were smoked, we called it off to the disaapointment of the extras of this story. EW actually wasn't bothered about his state as he has never till date smelt himself. There were reports of mysterious faintings around the neighbourhood. Experts discovered that there was a strange odour but none of it was traced back to EW. Leo as usual was lazy so he didn't want to come to take a bath even though he was feeling like tottenham hotspur fans (just like shit). Pedro offered us a lift in the car and we obliged, then we strated taunting EW and Leo about the benefits of a luxurious hot water bath. All we had to do was drive down around 500 mts but as usual no one would ever dream in their wildest dream what was about to happen next.

Just about 10 mts away from the CH, there was a patrol jeep doing something that they are actually paid for - they were checking for registration of the vehicles that were passing by. Pedro notices this and comes to a screeching halt, which attracts the attention of the three cops scanning the papers of a bike. Pedro looks nervously towards us and lets us know that the car doesn't have any papers. In the stoned stupor we tell him it's alright and crack a small joke, but the weed, booze and the fucked up joke triggred something in Pedro's brain which then sent a strong signal to his leg adn there we were - minni and me - screaming. Unfortunately for us the signal from Pedro's brain was to slam the accelerator of the car. I immideatly started begging Pedro to "Stop!" in all the shrill voices that I had after noticing that the cops jumped into their jeep and started following us. And stop was Pedro did next and asked the two of us to jump out right in front of the CH. I wasn't in the mood of jumping out and neither was Minni. By now the cops were right behind us and the only words that came out of my mouth were "Pedro Rip!". From behind I heard a faint voice, staing the obvious, the quivering voice of Minni saying "We're FUCKED!!"

All I could think of at that moment was 'America's Wildest Police Chases' and I prayed people, yes I, I prayed to all the Gods that I could remember at that moment. I strapped the seat belt on and asked Pedro to do the same but he was not in the mood of listening now, was he? Anyhoo, Pedro navigated the car through the thin and dug up lanes with the aplomb of a F1 driver. We passed through Syndicate Bank - Main Branch, Tiger Circle, raced across LC, Turned towards Press Carts and this where I thought we lost the cops. But then as usual, fate would have it another way. Red hadn't serviced his car for ages and it just refused to pick up on a slope. So there they were my friends, the cops right on our ass. I poked my head out of the window only to see that the cops had now switched their sirens on. Every action has a equal and opposite reaction and the reaction in our camp was to start screaming "Pedro rip! Pedro rip!". Pedro responded to these chants by speeding and speeding till we reached back to where we started from. I joked as we passed Sigma (our local bar which Miracle Monger frequented. They have a bust of him there. No jokes, go checkoit out yourselves. He is prayed to out there for giving them too much business) "Do we need another round of booze?". No one found it funny, I didn't think they would but I crack the most brilliant jokes in the most fucked up of moments where no one finds them funny. I wonder whats wrong with me? Alright without any more deviations and twists, we passed by EW's house once again with sirens blazing. I must admit that usually cops know what they are doing and these guy at the wheel was certainly not a rookie. Oh yeah! we passed by EW's place and then took the turn that led us to RED's place. We jumped straight out of the car and started banging on Red's door. Red seeing the chaos and the cops in tow, switched of all the lights in the house and locked the door from inside thus rendering the keys that Pedro borrowed from him earlier ineffective.

NOw, it so happened my friends that one of the cops got of the jeep and came straight for me (as i was the last one among those struggling to get into the house). He asked in kannada "Who was driving?" I replied back in kannada "Got illa!" ("Dunno!"). I got such a tight slap from,such a hard one, from fuck knows which hand, but my jaws rattled and I got the 'Doordarshan Sound' resonating in my ears. I immediately showed him towards Pedro. He pushed both Minni and me outside where his superior was waiting and began to work on Pedro. The same question was repeated outside and even the right answer was rewarded with a slap. Even the SI went after Pedro, Minni and I were left at the mercy of the third cop with the other two whacking the day lights out of Pedro. The third cop had an extremely tough time getting hold of us as Minni and me were runnig in opposite directions around the car that was parked outside the house. Even when he did get hold of either of us we would jump and evade his kicks and blows. After a frustrating 10 mins of trying to hit us, the cop asked us to sit down and the other two also stopped beating Pedro. All our eyes met at the exact moment and we just couldn't control our laughter. The cops too had mellowed down and joined us, but not before hurling the sweetest and choisest of abuses. They also mentioned in passing that if we would have dragged the chase for 15 agonizing minutes more or even thought about drifiting towards the highway, they wouldn't have hesitated to open fire. Pedro admitted rather sheepishly that the thought did cross his mind but the cars rather empty fuel tank prevented him from taking that measure. Imagine that my homies, I would have been in an orbituary column but escaped with no briuses and scratches to tell the tale only because the car didn't have fuel. Thank God for exhorbitant fuel rates.

Anyway, alls well that ends well is the motto of our lives and this did end well with Pedro paying around a grand for crimes agiainst humanity. Actually we were booked for evading arrest and not having the proper papers in place. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that I showed them my ATM card as ID proof which was followed by another round of swearing.

That's all for the day my friends. This story may serve as a lesson for most but the moral that we drew were never to drive a car that hasn't been seviced. On a more serious note, this incident has left me even more paranoid about cops whenever I'm stoned 'cause they are excellent fuckin' drivers so theres no way to escape them. So just face the consequences rather than running away. Alrightie, I'll get back to boredom that some how hasn't killed me as yet. I'll be back with another post on how EW got arrested for attempt to murder in just a while, I promise. Till then PEACE OUT!!

PS: The map that I've drawn is too fuckin small and I'm too lazy to resize it and repost. So just click on it for a larger version. Peace.


pais said...

hahaha... u actually lived in CH... hehehe...

waitin for EW's story, make sure u post it soon :)

Fat Old Son said...

yeah dude...its one of the things that i don't mention...i have some status to maintain...EW is too busy to post anything...theres another intresting one that's coming your way soon...