Wednesday, June 30, 2010

May The Best Team Win

If this were twitter, a #tag preceding the names of the teams would bring up that nations flag but nothing of that sort is happening here. Hate you But at least you let me rant in more than 140 characters. 

The good news is that S.C.O.F.F. will not rant on this post today. Football has taken a day’s break today and we would like to rub our Crystal Balls and feel good about it. We will also try and predict what might be in the QFs.

There are many reasons for this post. One of the reasons for this post is the fact that Mr. Pais, a good friend, critic and possibly the only reader of this blog, has once again (successfully) provoked me in to posting. So, I am going to provide you, my dear Pais and other ghost readers, a preview and my valuable insight in to the upcoming quarterfinal games. The second reason is that I hate Heli. She can give me work but I can very well not do it. The final reason is that all the World Cup’s quarter-final games will carry FIFA’s message on football's "united stance against racism and any other form of discrimination." Knowing our stance on racism, we had to propagate the viewing of the games.

Netherlands vs Brazil
July 2, 19:30 IST, ESPN

Holland and Brazil came in to the Round of 16 unbeaten. Both the teams have dispatched their Round of 16 opponents with panache but the Brazilians were more convincing in their victory. S.C.O.F.F’s personal opinion is that the Dutch have replaced Spain as the big tournament chokers. Will this tournament confirm S.C.O.F.F.’s view?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Brazil will nick this game 3 goals to 2. The game will go in to extra time with the scores tied at 2-2. Do you wanna bet? Van Persie to get on the score sheet only because he is a Gooner. Yes S.C.O.F.F. (OK! It’s only me) secretly worships Arsene Wenger.

Uruguay vs Ghana
July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

Diego Forlan and that Suarez kid are the only people I know in Uruguay. There is one Ghanaian that I know and his identity shall not be revealed till he tells me too. Things that I do for friends. Ghana are the only African team left and know our feelings towards the people from that part of the world, what do we think will be the outcome of the match?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Uruguay will win the game 2 goals to nil. Ghana will resist and huff and puff in front of the Uruguayan goal but Forlan will deflect one in the 86th minute and a counter attack will see Suarez score in the 90+4th minute. Mark my words.  

Argentina vs Germany
July 3, 19:30 IST, ESPN

For us at S.C.O.F.F., this is Messi and Maradona vs the Germans. We have actually not bothered to research on who else plays. Just kidding! Klose, Podolski and that guy that can score. No, not Messi – its Ozil. Messi will have a barren world cup. Watch the game if you don’t trust me. 

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: By virtue of their victory over the despicable English cunts, the German should go through but S.C.O.F.F. just can’t separate these teams. Especially after the fight that will take place when Maradona refuses to pass the ball to Messi. Ok, Germany to win on penalties like the last WC.  

Paraguay vs Spain
July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Yes, we have begun this game’s preview directly with the prediction. Why? Because S.C.O.F.F. believes that this will be a snooze fest to forget. For all its magnificence in the midfield and brilliance in the attacking department, Spain will boast 99% possession (the 1% will consist of Paraguay’s goal kicks) but just one goal. To be scored by a proud Catalan and (still) another Arsenal boy Cesc Fabregas.

With that, we tuck our crystal balls back to where they belong and we’ll see you for the Semis. If you want to watch the games with us, the entry fee is a bottle of Black Label (or anything Signature and above). One last prediction – All the best teams will win.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The First of the S.C.O.F.F.ies

I promised a daily blog during this edition of the World Cup and once again I have lived up to expectations. People expected me not to manage and I did not disappoint. Unlike me, the SA WC 2010 has disappointed viewers all over the world with a humming sound and some insipid football. Usually, at S.C.O.F.F., we wait till the tournament ends to present your quadrennial footballing awards or we don't hand them out at all. But, on Sunday something so drastic took place that we just had to wake up from the slumber induced by this world cup. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present you the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament - The entire French Team, coaching staff et al. Well, frankly speaking, it is too early for this award to be out but we just couldn't help it. Before the World Cup began, I wanted to award it to the English team no matter what. Yes, even if they would have gone on to win the WC. My hatred for them is unmeasurable. But, after drawing their first game, and losing their next I had to sit up and take notice of a team that was imploding. 

Please do not judge us. Every french person I don't know is supporting my decision. Instead of judging us, answer us this:
  • Are Domenech and Govou lovers? 
  • Is Domenech retarded or demented? 
  • Did Benzema refuse to blow him before the tournament? 
  • Is Domenech retarded or demented?
The recurring question every one has on their minds is "Is Domenech retarded or demented?" There is only one person that can answer that, and that person is Anelka.

An update: By the time I published this, there sprang another contender for the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament. The English team. Their lack of passion and technical ability will be highlighted by all except their own press. What a bunch of morons. Let's leave it at that for the moment. The tournament has just gotten exciting. Till the next post. Have a happy SAWC10. Cheers!

Friday, June 11, 2010

And we are back with the WC 2010!

On saturday, we met at Willy's for our monthly gathering of drinks, Ustaad's kebabs and Dominic's blabber. We comprised of Willy (duh! it was his house), MM, Dom and me. As usual, as the night wore on, our conversation came back time and again to football and the quadrennial World Cup. As usual, we fought over how the seeding takes place to why Drogba is a cunt. Not in Dominic's eyes though. In Dominic's eyes, Drogba is a giant gay penis that fucks every team in the ass. 

Well anyway, to celebrate the mega event, S.C.O.F.F. will bring you posts with images this time (APPLAUSE). So no more darb articles on how this loser leads his life and lost his butt virginity. S.C.O.F.F. will bring you expert insights, news, interviews and great articles. Well actually, we are just bringing one of our old features in a new Avatar. No, EW is not going to be painted in blue and named Moron of the Match. 

For a start and to mark the x number of hours left for the tournament to begin, let's dwell in to the minds of the experts that gathered on that fateful Saturday night and shed light on who they thought will be crowned world champions. 

Let's start with Dominic. Atom-Dom as he is fondly called, cannot look beyond Lampard, Chelsea and England. Ask traumatized bride and good friend Dipti, at whose weeding AD just got up at random intervals to shout LAMPARD, LAMPARD and CHELSEA CHELSEA. I was embarrassed and wanted him dead, so did Dipti. He has no particular reason why England will win, except for that fact that they are England. How typical of them English fans!

We don't think AtomD will celebrate in the end.

Willy & I: Both of us have come to a consensus and considering how rarely people in our group agree, this one might just turn out to be right. Our theory if that the world champions will either be Argentina or the Netherlands. Both the national teams have unparalleled firepower. Argentina have Messi, Kun, Champions League hero Milito, Tevez, Real Madrid goal machine Higuin as their forwards. Netherlands have the sublime van Persie, workhorse Kyut and Sneijder to pull the strings. The defense is nothing to write home about for both the teams but both teams can pass opponents to death and can outscore even when they are not up to their game.

Willy and I will root for Argentina but have a sneaky feeling that there are two teams to look out for

MM: Miracle Monger will not be around for the WC and thats why he doesn't really care. He knows one thing though. He is dead sure that the Italians, a team that he supported since a child, will not make it. Why, in this day and age of blind support is he saying such a thing? The reason being, Lippi has not taken any proper no 10's along with him. Pirlo a defensive minded playmaker and the heartbeat of the Italian midfield is injured and will be watching the group stages from the stands. Not a great way to start for the Azzuri. When stressed to pick a team, he too couldn't decide between Argentina and the Netherlands. But added that we could never count Brazil out. But who the fuck supports them anyway!

MM has shown his butt to the Azzuris

Except for AtomD, the rest of us agreed on one point - Either Argentina or van Persie. Opps! Argentina or the Netherlands. Sorry that was my love for everything Arsenal. But the point to note is that something astounding happened in all these years - more than two SCOFFERs  agreed on something. It's a rarity, unlike the world cup. At least that comes once in four years. Have a good one folks. Drink and cheer as loud as possible. 

P.S.: I know you guys may not believe it, but I will, starting from tomorrow, blog daily till the WC ends. Cheers!  

Thursday, June 03, 2010

She stole my virginity and my life

I lost my virginity to this beautiful lady called *dumb charades - sounds like* EarningHate. Like all relationships, it was beautiful at first. I was in heaven, at the start. A gaze with eyes so pretty that I was infatuated. She took me in when the world did not know my potential and made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Once I got to know her, she let me do whatever I wanted. She let me come and go as I pleased, granted me access to whatever I wanted to see. Hell, she even let me court other ladies, but parting with her was something I couldn't bear. I just came running back. We broke up for a period of four months but realised that we could not live without each other. I realised that it was her or no one else. We had found solace in each others arms.

But as all relationships go, everything had its price. Things changed, and our second break-up was bitter, extremely bitter. She said she still loved me, wanted me. She wanted me so bad to stay, that she was willing to do whatever I wanted. But I didn't budge. I wanted out. You know why?

Its because she grew a huge dick. She would shove that thing up my backside, till I begged for mercy. I had to wait late, she would not spare me any social life. She would just rape me inside out. Life became a living hell when she started seeing other people and offered them a lot more than she ever gave me. She said that its how others operate too and I should just suck it up and deal with it. It hurt, but she said this with a smile. She said that she wanted me to stay and she will make it worthwhile. She said she loved me but she refused to take that dick off my behind. Its where it belonged she said and thats one thing she wouldn't compromise. So I left her behind, her and that huge thing between her thighs.

I still wake up in the middle of the night shuddering, trying to grasp reality after that terrible nightmare. My friends can vouch that I have been scarred for life. I just won't stop talking about her even though I have found someone else. Someone a lot better and less demanding. Last I heard that she was seeing some other boy toy, promising him the sky. I wonder how long till he realises, a vigorous hump in his behind. I wish both of them luck. They need it.