Monday, December 27, 2010
The first month also saw EW bag himself a stellar gal. The grapevine has it that he is serious and plans to marry her soon. He hid the fact that he was in love from his one true friend (me) because he was worried that I would vomit it out publicly. Well, it took a good 11 months, but vomit I did.
The month of Feb was an exciting one. Some useless sod crashed in to the rickshaw that I was traveling in and in the entire fracas I was left with several bruises and my right hand in a cast. But the silver lining was an acrimonious exit from a company that I rejoined (If you went with us to college, then you wouldn't bat an eye-lid if you came across this term). This time tough they made sure that I'll never return.
The World Cup came and the world cup went. Quite frankly it was one of the most boring WC's ever.
All this while, EW has been going from strength to strength in AK's Talent Academy.
December, Oh beautiful December! I joined an agency called Six" Communication. Even tough I like to proclaim that i was hired because I'm well endowed, I can't lie to you guys. I was hired because I am talented, skilled and brilliant to work with. The size of my penis had nothing to do with it. And no, this is not a porno production house. But frankly, something isn't right at this place and I'm already looking for another one. The one bright spark other than Christmas was the wedding reception of EW's sister.
Decmber also saw me kick a different kind of butt. On EW's birthday, I toasted the fact that there was a never a dull moment with him around. Approximately 24 hours later, that toast proved to be right and there we were in a fight. Look, I am not attempting to rhyme there but we did end up trashing (I want to drag that as far as I could but in retrospect, it was not funny because...), yes trashing a friend of the groom. Shame, guilt and a slight remorse ensued but the night was something that EW's entire family will remember. And it's not because the wedding was brilliantly executed and loads of fun. Never a dull moment when he's around.
I guess, that's it. Hope you guys had a great Christmas and we (yes, all three of us) pray that you have an exceptional New Year.
Sunday, December 05, 2010
- You legally change your name to your server ID
- You have to rebuild your trap each time after the mailman comes to your door
- You keep looking for abatis at the horsetrack.
- Despite having no knowledge of engineering or carpentry, you manage to build a functioning trebuchet in your backyard.
- When people ask if you had a nice Christmas, you reply "Christmas? When did that happen?"
- You drive by some lake and think, "It will be a level 9 tomorrow."
- Your girlfriend/wife tries to shake you awake and you just moan and roll over, but when she tells you your bird is flashing, you jump up and run out of the room.
- You see a North Korean military parade on the news and think, "I could take that"
- You give your co-ords instead of your address when ordering a pizza.
- The Parks Department and the National Forest Service keep sending you letters asking you to cease placing flags with your name on them in the local parks and forests.
- You drive by a forest and wonder, "How many archers are in there?"
- The judge tells you that mailing your neighbors to "get out of your 10 miles area or you will NPC their houses" is an anti-social behavior!
*This is a copy-paste job. This gem was sent to me by Lord Obelix of the MavLion alliance.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
All I want to say is that, being a regular, I will really miss going there because the food is great, the ambience excellent and apart from yesterday, the service excellent. But nobody, I repeat nobody treats their customers like that. Even a Shetty's bar and restaurant knows how to treat their most unruly customers. It's sad that because of a two people, they have lost out on five customers that have visited the place for more than 4 years.
And because of the entire ruckus, I could not watch the game in peace either.
I urge our readers to avoid this place. There are better ones in the vicinity.
Monday, October 18, 2010
- An: Hello, FOS, can we connect at 3 for a call with our abc client.
- Me: I'm busy with xyz client and can't make it on the call.
- An: We need to discuss the concept, your script and the treatment.
- Me: Anand, I have shit load of work from xyz client lined up and I don't think I can attend the conference call.
- An: I have shared the details of the call with you. I have sent the client a presentation on our recommendations. I like the first concept.
- Me: Anand, Anand, dude! I'm pressed for time man!
- An: Okay, I'll see you in the call.
Check the time. The headsets pressed against my ear and I am on the call.
Tuesday, July 06, 2010
Quick Update: Octo-Paul has spoken (via Sahil Rizwan). He says Spain and S.C.O.F.F. says it will be Germany. What about Uruguay vs. Netherlands you ask? We think the Dutch will steam roll past hapless Uruguayans (3 - 1 in favor of the Dutch).
Monday, July 05, 2010
P.S.: The best teams did win. Take that Paul, you eight-tentacled freak.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
- Are Domenech and Govou lovers?
- Is Domenech retarded or demented?
- Did Benzema refuse to blow him before the tournament?
- Is Domenech retarded or demented?
Friday, June 11, 2010
MM: Miracle Monger will not be around for the WC and thats why he doesn't really care. He knows one thing though. He is dead sure that the Italians, a team that he supported since a child, will not make it. Why, in this day and age of blind support is he saying such a thing? The reason being, Lippi has not taken any proper no 10's along with him. Pirlo a defensive minded playmaker and the heartbeat of the Italian midfield is injured and will be watching the group stages from the stands. Not a great way to start for the Azzuri. When stressed to pick a team, he too couldn't decide between Argentina and the Netherlands. But added that we could never count Brazil out. But who the fuck supports them anyway!
Except for AtomD, the rest of us agreed on one point - Either Argentina or van Persie. Opps! Argentina or the Netherlands. Sorry that was my love for everything Arsenal. But the point to note is that something astounding happened in all these years - more than two SCOFFERs agreed on something. It's a rarity, unlike the world cup. At least that comes once in four years. Have a good one folks. Drink and cheer as loud as possible.
P.S.: I know you guys may not believe it, but I will, starting from tomorrow, blog daily till the WC ends. Cheers!
Thursday, June 03, 2010
But as all relationships go, everything had its price. Things changed, and our second break-up was bitter, extremely bitter. She said she still loved me, wanted me. She wanted me so bad to stay, that she was willing to do whatever I wanted. But I didn't budge. I wanted out. You know why?
Its because she grew a huge dick. She would shove that thing up my backside, till I begged for mercy. I had to wait late, she would not spare me any social life. She would just rape me inside out. Life became a living hell when she started seeing other people and offered them a lot more than she ever gave me. She said that its how others operate too and I should just suck it up and deal with it. It hurt, but she said this with a smile. She said that she wanted me to stay and she will make it worthwhile. She said she loved me but she refused to take that dick off my behind. Its where it belonged she said and thats one thing she wouldn't compromise. So I left her behind, her and that huge thing between her thighs.
I still wake up in the middle of the night shuddering, trying to grasp reality after that terrible nightmare. My friends can vouch that I have been scarred for life. I just won't stop talking about her even though I have found someone else. Someone a lot better and less demanding. Last I heard that she was seeing some other boy toy, promising him the sky. I wonder how long till he realises, a vigorous hump in his behind. I wish both of them luck. They need it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
A lot has happened since our last post. No, I have not picked up the cancer stick and the quit smoking campaign is going strong. Karma came to bite me like only a psychotic ex would or like any of the bong women in offices around the country would. Luckily, I have no psychotic ex's but I did have a crazy bong chick in my office who was baying for my position, work and blood, in no typical order. Whatever she liked she bayed for.
Anyway the night that I celebrated two months of not smoking by not smoking or drinking, I met with a horrendous accident, one that could be wished for only by an evil mind. The fuck up is that there are two evil minds that spring to mind. Wow, if this were an animation, imagine two evil looking minds coming at the screen. Even better, if this was a 3-D animation. Wow! Please brace yourselves, because I digress. Anyway let's keep the evil minds aside and talk about the accident. The rickshaw that I was travelling in was rammed from behind with such force that it toppled on its head thrice (As recounted by bystanders - I'm not exaggerating) and then landed on the right hand side with my right wrist under the side bars. I was dragged in this position for a good two feet - the total length from being hit to getting up would have been around 30 - 40 yards. While the vehicle was toppling and turtling, I practiced the ol' Manipal Survival techniques and saved my head. Else, I may not have been alive or possibly too retarded to tell this story (as may have been wanted by either of the two evil minds - I need someone to blame people - Management Technique No. 36)
So who are these evil minds that I keep blabbering about? Why have I named this post Barren Grasslands? Where is Osama? What the fuck are my printing classmates up to? The answer to the first question will be answered in the next post; the rest are best left unanswered.
Oh, and did you guys want to see pics of me in a cast? bloated up and in an imported cast? Buzz-Off.
Till the next post, try to give up drinking, if you haven't given up smoking, try that too. Caio!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
In other news, a peripheral member of the S.C.O.F.F. who will be only known as K-Lo to you, our reader, is tying the knot on the 14th of this month. That's right! He has taken this step, so that he would never forget his anniversary. Also, S.C.O.F.F. which has now become a Manglore-Dubai-Mumbai-Saudi news portal, has just learnt that K-Lo will try and make his own children. And the marriage is just a smoke screen for a child factory. It's not a factory that employs child labourers but one that creates those.
S.C.O.F.F. will bring you the latest images and the news as and when it breaks. Over and Out!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
- With this post, we equal the amount of posts we wrote the WHOLE of last year. Smoking at least had a positive effect on the blog. That’s right we wrote seven posts last year and I’m surprised that we managed even those seven. And I should stop saying we. It was I who wrote those seven so whatever applause there is should go in my direction.
Alright now I’ll get to the topic I want to gloat about and the one you want to hear about. The bullet points below list the positive after effects of quitting smoking. Against each point are my comments or what I experienced with regards to those comments in a colour that should not hurt your eye.
After 20 minutes:
- Blood pressure levels and pulse rate becomes normal. I really can’t say about this.
- Body temperature of hands and feet increases to normal. I think this is true. I feel a little weird in these places.
After 8 hours:
- Carbon monoxide in your body drops. I really can’t say about this.
- Oxygen level in your blood increases to normal. Nor can I say anything about this point.
After 2 days:
- Sense of smell and taste will improve. You will enjoy your food more. This is true. And being the foodie that I am, I have begun hating the food that I used to earlier love eating. For example, sea shells made in any form were the only sea food dish I could/would eat, but after quitting smoking, they have become unbearable. There is a tinge of fish smell to them. And yes I can smell better. EW won’t get away saying that his farts don’t smell.
- Your risk of heart attack begins to decrease. I really wish this is true.
After 3 – 4 days:
- Bronchial tubes relax and your lung capacity will have increased, making breathing easier. I can’t comment on this one. But I do have a suspicion that it is true.
After 2 weeks:
- Blood flow improves; nicotine has passed from your body. Well, I can write a long letter to the cunts who predicted this about this being so fuckin’ untrue.
Within 2 weeks to 3 months:
- Circulation will improve, making walking and running easier; lung functioning increases up to 30%. I played football last week and didn’t go this week because no one was going to play. So I really don’t know. I do not get that fatigued though at the end of the day. So it is a big plus.
Now for some of the negative effects. Some of which are associated with the first few days of quitting but these have stuck around for two weeks now and has got me a little worried.
- I'm cranky (still)
- I get irritated for the smallest of reasons (still). I get pissed at Emily and make a face that she now calls my hate-face. I'm not sure if it resembles malice or even hate it is just plain irritation. But you can't explain that to a woman. It's towards the end of the fourth week that I have uploaded this post and the fights have increased exponentially. They are extremely stupid and my theory is that my subconscious mind wants to smoke one and will try and hurt my near and dear ones so bad that I reach out for that smoke. Not succeeded thus far and I hope it never will. But its getting increasingly difficult on both of us. I hope she hangs in there.
- I have recurring dreams that I have started smoking again. In those dreams I keep promising myself that I'll quit tomorrow.
- My sleep patterns are disrupted. Totally fucked up. It was that bad when I had just quit. Those days I was sleeping like a baby. Now, I count my self lucky if I have dreamless and peaceful sleep.
At the end of this week, it will be a month since that night I smoked last my last cigarette. It feels nice and most of the people are proud of me and have have started telling my story to their friends for inspiration. I quit after 12 years of non stop chain smoking. I'm sure there are others who can quit too. Week three (in fact week four/a month) is over and I haven't smoked. I just wish I could update you guys on a regular basis.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Day 10 of my #quitsomking resolve. Extremely irritated. Co workers are advised to saty away. I may kill you for no reason at all.
The urge somehow is at its peak today. It compares to the ones I had on the first three days – really strong.
The first week, excluding the first three days, was smooth sailing. I drank, without smoking. I went and played football, didn’t smoke before, during, or after the game. I have been drinking water much more than before. I can taste and smell better. I feel a little healthier. But I do miss not having a smoke. It is getting more and more difficult to resist the urge. It maybe a trick my brain is playing with me. But I know that I have to fight it, come what may!
The urge today, on day 10 is surprisingly strong. Extremely strong! It’s taking a lot out of me to resist and I’m irritated as hell. Like my tweet said, I feel like killing everyone around me and I’m just pissed at anything that talks or moves. There are a couple of people that I met thanks to twitter that say that it is a passing phase and I’ll be alright in a week or two. They went through the same it seems. I hope they are right or I may want to hunt them down and kill them too. Just kiddin! Or am I?
Anyway, I need to buzz off right now. I’ll meet you guys next Monday or before that if any thing comes up. Maybe I’ll follow this post with our time in Goa. I won’t promise that because of my inability to keep it but you never know. Take care and have a #smokefree life.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tweet for the day was:
suffer internally or eternally? Looks like eternally it is for the time being. Day 4 of the #quitsmoking movement. Oh the craving!
Anyway I have now decided that there isn’t much to share because the craving is reducing and hopefully I can get my brain to stop tempting me. I’ll keep you guys posted on a weekly basis. You will see a consolidated post on Sundays, as that’s when I complete the first week of being smoke free. Thanks to all those who supported me, prayed for me and even to those who made fun. Without you guys, I would have never got the strength to go through this pain. See you guys on Sunday.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Day 3 of the #quitsmoking movement. Much better than yesterday. The cravings are less frequent and last for a lesser amount of time.
After that, the urge just got crazy. My head hurt to the point where my body could walk up on its own to smoke a cigarette. One part of my brain wanted it desperately and would kill me, if it were possible, to get to the vendor and smoke one. Notice that there are no more voices. I felt like they had collectively formed my fuckin’ headache. Anyway, I’m not going to give in. That’s a given for now!
The cravings are back and with a bang! A thousand hammers in my head all saying one thing in unision: Smoke! Smoke! Smoke!
I did not smoke though. However, I did go out for a drink with Emily and the cravings for a smoke there were practically non existant. Need to stop drinking next. That's for another day. For now, I'm eagerly awaiting Day 4.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
When I reached work, I was absolutely irritated. I think the traffic, the noise and just the sight of so many people triggered that off. I plonked myself in to my chair and my friend, Jesubhai calls out to me asking me to accompany him for a chai and smoke. I tell him I quit (this was a better way of saying it, in retrospect, because earlier I would say “I’m trying” and nothing would come out of it). Quite funnily he asked whether I have quit smoking or quit having tea. I wanted to laugh but didn’t. I didn’t want to go with him because the thought of seeing him smoke might tempt me too. But nothing of that sort happened but by mid afternoon, my cravings were getting bad. Some of my twitter (follow me) posts are witness to that:
Tweet 3: A million ants are crawling in my veins. The voices in my head are urging, demanding for just one. One sane voice says NO! #quitsmoking
Tweet 2: Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs!
Tweet 1: 36 hours in to not smoking. Stay away! the voices in my head want to kill you!
The chant of let’s kill the bongs began when the two Bengali women around me began talking. Fuck I couldn’t stand them when I was smoking. Being patient with them at that particular moment I just wanted to kill them with a blunt object so that they hurt and I’m in bliss.
But as tweet 3 suggests, as the day went on, it was getting increasingly difficult. I started reading about people who have quit and how they went about doing so. Twitter had a search #quitsmoking that was helpful with links and testimonials. I never thought that the internet and social networking sites will help but anyway. The work day ended well. Craving were there, I was hyper, fidgety and couldn’t stop shaking my leg, just as EW does after a couple of drinks. But I was grateful that I did not kill, yell or torture anyone or in any order.
When I reached home, my mom commented on the amount I smoked because of the smell my body was emitting. I went like “WHHAAATTT!!!” I calmed myself to tell her that I had quit and it would be 48 hours at quarter to 12.
I had difficulty getting sleep. And I fell asleep at around 2 in the morning after retiring to bed around midnight. Will tomorrow be another day of struggle, I questioned myself.
I reached home around 10:30, and I was to sleep around 12 because I was supposed to visit my uncle’s place the next. My cousin’s getting married you see. I smoked the last one left in the packet at quarter to 12 and then went off to sleep.
I got up in the morning without feeling a thing. I knew I wanted to quit and the good thing is that I can’t smoke in front of my mom or relatives because of some weird factor. I still don’t know what it is and if I get through this, I will not care. Anyway the get together at my uncle’s got over by 5 and we were back home by 6 in the evening. That’s when the withdrawal hit me. I had an argument with my brother. My mom who was pointing at my mistake got a good telling off from me for no reason at all. I left in a huff to meet Emily. She was late and I was standing just next to the cigarette vendor. All the voices in my head were collectively urging me to buy a cigarette. One won’t do you any harm they said.
I reluctantly agreed and started walking towards the cigarette vendor. Something happened, and I snapped out of it and ended up buying a packet of chewing gum instead for the same amount. The voices were not happy and the craving was just getting worse. Luckily Emily came by and I was distracted.
We went out for dinner and all I could think of was that smoke. Oh! How badly I was craving for one. A reward for not smoking the whole day wouldn’t be bad. But the reward came in the form of a drink. It was ironical, I usually smoke a pack and half when we sit to drink but today, it was a smoke free drink session. I finally called it a night earlier than usual because my body is tuned to not smoking at home.
Sleeping was difficult but I managed through 24 hours of being smoke free. I thought the next day would be easier. But…
Cut to 2010. As per my calculations, it is 13 years now that I have been smoking the cancer stick. I think it is exactly 12 years and 10 months if you think about it. I have had three failed attempts before and one of the voices in my head has a wager that this time it will be no different.
Attempt number 1 was in Manipal when I decided upon a date, threw out all the ashtrays, matches and cigarettes in the room the previous night and woke up the next day smoke free. I didn’t touch a single stick for three whole days - The number I am at right now, which is why it is scary and which is why I have decided to write down a small memoir about my journey to either a smoke free life or a relapse in to a smoke filled one. On the third day, I did about three nitros and had already downed three pegs of whiskey when someone was passing cigarettes around. I sheepishly accepted one, thinking to myself that it will be harmless and I’ll stop after that one. I woke up the next day with an almost full pack of 20’s and it was another three to four years till I decided to quit again.
Attempt number two was a part of a New Year’s resolution and I had the support of two women from my office who decided to quit with me. One started within hours of meeting us and the other within a day in to the New Year. As for me, I went three whole days again!
Attempt number three came the next New Year where I went a week (yes a whole week!) without smoking. But here I was lying to myself. I had not quit, in fact I had cut down because I was smoking a cigarette after work. In order to avoid that, I began buying “Nirdosh” cigarettes that are totally herbal (not marijuana or hashish) and nicotine free. I forgot the pack one day in the office loo and couldn’t find any at the medicals so I went ahead and bought one from the paanwala and then the relapse began.
So now, after 12 years and 10 months, I have decided to quit again. The decision was not mine entirely, my girl, let’s call her Emily here for purposes unknown even to me, was absolutely pissed and psyched with the amount I smoked and drank that she simply broke down. I couldn’t bear that and decided to quit the next day. I did not, as suggested by many, bid farewell to a faithful friend. A friend that has been through thick and thin, through our fights, good news, bad news or even no news at all. I do not have a plan B, no alternate means, no what if. I just have a plan A, which is just no smoking. It is a difficult thing to do. I can’t say I’ll miss this friend of mine that was by my side through almost 13 years of my life. Actually I don’t miss him. But there are withdrawal symptoms and those are chronicled in my diary – The Quitter’s Diary.