Monday, December 27, 2010

'10: Let's Rewind

Another year has gone by and as never been our custom, we will recap what good and bad this year did to us.

January saw me kick the butt. In a fit of self gloating and endless posts on how I'm coping, I can now reassure our readers that I have not yet gotten over the habit. It still haunts my dreams and the need for a small drag keeps creeping up. But I must say (some more self gloating) that I'm surprised that I possess some will power. The downside? Guys, I'm officially weigh 85 kilos and considering the amount of exercise I get, I won't be surprised if I stay that way. Yeah, I added about 15 kilos since I quit.

The first month also saw EW bag himself a stellar gal. The grapevine has it that he is serious and plans to marry her soon. He hid the fact that he was in love from his one true friend (me) because he was worried that I would vomit it out publicly. Well, it took a good 11 months, but vomit I did.

The month of Feb was an exciting one. Some useless sod crashed in to the rickshaw that I was traveling in and in the entire fracas I was left with several bruises and my right hand in a cast. But the silver lining was an acrimonious exit from a company that I rejoined (If you went with us to college, then you wouldn't bat an eye-lid if you came across this term). This time tough they made sure that I'll never return.

The World Cup came and the world cup went. Quite frankly it was one of the most boring WC's ever.

All this while, EW has been going from strength to strength in AK's Talent Academy.      

December, Oh beautiful December! I joined an agency called Six" Communication. Even tough I like to proclaim that i was hired because I'm well endowed, I can't lie to you guys. I was hired because I am talented, skilled and brilliant to work with. The size of my penis had nothing to do with it. And no, this is not a porno production house. But frankly, something isn't right at this place and I'm already looking for another one. The one bright spark other than Christmas was the wedding reception of EW's sister.

Decmber also saw me kick a different kind of butt. On EW's birthday, I toasted the fact that there was a never a dull moment with him around. Approximately 24 hours later, that toast proved to be right and there we were in a fight. Look, I am not attempting to rhyme there but we did end up trashing (I want to drag that as far as I could but in retrospect, it was not funny because...), yes trashing a friend of the groom. Shame, guilt and a slight remorse ensued but the night was something that EW's entire family will remember. And it's not because the wedding was brilliantly executed and loads of fun. Never a dull moment when he's around.

I guess, that's it. Hope you guys had a great Christmas and we (yes, all three of us) pray that you have an exceptional New Year.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Top 12 Signs You May Be Addicted to Evony*

  1. You legally change your name to your server ID
  2. You have to rebuild your trap each time after the mailman comes to your door
  3. You keep looking for abatis at the horsetrack.
  4. Despite having no knowledge of engineering or carpentry, you manage to build a functioning trebuchet in your backyard.
  5. When people ask if you had a nice Christmas, you reply "Christmas? When did that happen?"
  6. You drive by some lake and think, "It will be a level 9 tomorrow."
  7. Your girlfriend/wife tries to shake you awake and you just moan and roll over, but when she tells you your bird is flashing, you jump up and run out of the room.
  8. You see a North Korean military parade on the news and think, "I could take that"
  9. You give your co-ords instead of your address when ordering a pizza.
  10. The Parks Department and the National Forest Service keep sending you letters asking you to cease placing flags with your name on them in the local parks and forests.
  11. You drive by a forest and wonder, "How many archers  are in there?"
  12. The judge tells you that mailing your neighbors to "get out of your 10 miles area or you will NPC their houses" is an anti-social behavior!
 You relate to all 12 points after reading them.

*This is a copy-paste job. This gem was sent to me by Lord Obelix of the MavLion alliance.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Fuck You Peking Tom!

I had a terrible experience at a restaurant I frequented until this happened -  

I strolled in to Peking Tom last night (3rd October 2010) with a few of my friends to watch the EPL clash between Arsenal & Chelsea. We made just before Happy Hours ended. And maybe that was one of the reasons why the usually mild mannered and courteous staff turned obnoxious and rude. We ordered a 'tower' and two cocktails. They argued about getting the free cocktails entitled to us but eventually got them after realizing that it was they that made the mistake. The height was when they asked us to finish the two towers within an hour. Like I mentioned, we managed to squeeze in our orders just before the happy hours ended (around 8:30) and we were told that we had to, yes, HAD TO finish the towers by 9:30. Since there were only three of us that were sipping on the beers, it was humanly impossible for us to finish in the stipulated time. What proceeded next infuriated us further. We were levied the charge of an extra pitcher because we could not finish the towers in time. Our protests had the Captain walk up to us, use abusive language and ask us to teach him how to talk to customers when asked to tone down his volume.

All I want to say is that, being a regular, I will really miss going there because the food is great, the ambience excellent and apart from yesterday, the service excellent. But nobody, I repeat nobody treats their customers like that. Even a Shetty's bar and restaurant knows how to treat their most unruly customers. It's sad that because of a two people, they have lost out on five customers that have visited the place for more than 4 years.

And because of the entire ruckus, I could not watch the game in peace either.

The review is up on Burrp!

 I urge our readers to avoid this place. There are better ones in the vicinity.  

Monday, October 18, 2010

Can you hear me?

A blow-by-blow account of the conversation between me and my Client Servicing (CS) friend from Bangalore, Anand (An)
  • An: Hello, FOS, can we connect at 3 for a call with our abc client.
  • Me: I'm busy with xyz client and can't make it on the call.
  • An: We need to discuss the concept, your script and the treatment.
  • Me: Anand, I have shit load of work from xyz client lined up and I don't think I can attend the conference call.
  • An: I have shared the details of the call with you. I have sent the client a presentation on our recommendations. I like the first concept.
  • Me: Anand, Anand, dude! I'm pressed for time man!
  • An: Okay, I'll see you in the call. 

Check the time. The headsets pressed against my ear and I am on the call.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Sorry! No Semi-Finals Preview

Due to lack of time and a huge writers block, there will be no preview of the matches. We will be back with our irregular service soon.


Quick Update: Octo-Paul has spoken (via Sahil Rizwan). He says Spain and S.C.O.F.F. says it will be Germany. What about Uruguay vs. Netherlands you ask? We think the Dutch will steam roll past hapless Uruguayans (3 - 1 in favor of the Dutch).

Monday, July 05, 2010

The Best Teams Did Win Paul.

Before we go on to preview the Semi-Finals S.C.O.F.F. style, let us (no, not give you an in-depth match report on the QF matches) check how our crystal balls have done. Unlike Paul the German Octopus, we do not have a 100% track record. What we do have is the amazing fuchsia.  

Netherlands vs Brazil
We said Brazil would win over the Dutch with 3 goals to 2. What actually happened was Netherlands beat Brazil all thanks to Wesley Sneijder’s bald head, which actually had EW jumping and casting amorous glances towards his look-alike. So Sneijder is the S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match and the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match and a huge round of applause goes to Julio Ceasar. Felippe Melo came a close second but if Cesar hadn’t effed up so badly on that cross, who knows what could have been.
Uruguay vs Ghana
The S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match for this game is the Suarez kid. I know everyone outside Uruguay thinks he is a cheat and blah, blah. But he did what he had to do and helped his team not concede. Therefore, the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match clearly is Ghana’s A. Gyan. With all his Gyan, power and finesse, all he managed was the crossbar. It’s sad that Ghana, the only African team left had to go out but with that, I can reveal the secret of my Ghanaian friend. It is EW. He holds dual citizenship thanks to his advertising contract with Fair and Handsome. He is the ‘Before’ model in India and the ‘After’ in Ghana. There you go, but DO NOT tell anyone.

Argentina vs Germany
What do I say? What can I say? At least S.C.O.F.F. picked the winner correctly. Apart from being the best game of the World Cup so far, it gave us a glimpse of the potential champions. Yes, I will tell you why in our Semi Final review. It was the best team effort I have seen in this World Cup and I have nothing but praise for the Germans.

The S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match of the game is the Meuller guy because he did not let Maradona get to him and scored the first of the goals that stunned Argentina into submission. There are many contenders of the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Match and we would like to hand the award to the Argentine back four for imploding and handing the game to the Germans on a platter.

Paraguay vs Spain
I have to admit, I fell asleep during the first half of the game where the Spaniards just refused to turn up. Del Bosque’s words must have inspired them in to putting up a show in second half. Since I can’t comment much on the game I will just hand out the prestigious S.C.O.F.F. Man of the Match award to David Villa. This Barcelona bound striker is worth his salt and is carrying the weight of Spain’s attack on his shoulder.

The Semi Final Preview to come up in the next few hours. The Bharat Bandh is being enjoyed quite thoroughly and till we meet again, keep waving the flag. Ciao.    

P.S.: The best teams did win. Take that Paul, you eight-tentacled freak.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

May The Best Team Win

If this were twitter, a #tag preceding the names of the teams would bring up that nations flag but nothing of that sort is happening here. Hate you But at least you let me rant in more than 140 characters. 

The good news is that S.C.O.F.F. will not rant on this post today. Football has taken a day’s break today and we would like to rub our Crystal Balls and feel good about it. We will also try and predict what might be in the QFs.

There are many reasons for this post. One of the reasons for this post is the fact that Mr. Pais, a good friend, critic and possibly the only reader of this blog, has once again (successfully) provoked me in to posting. So, I am going to provide you, my dear Pais and other ghost readers, a preview and my valuable insight in to the upcoming quarterfinal games. The second reason is that I hate Heli. She can give me work but I can very well not do it. The final reason is that all the World Cup’s quarter-final games will carry FIFA’s message on football's "united stance against racism and any other form of discrimination." Knowing our stance on racism, we had to propagate the viewing of the games.

Netherlands vs Brazil
July 2, 19:30 IST, ESPN

Holland and Brazil came in to the Round of 16 unbeaten. Both the teams have dispatched their Round of 16 opponents with panache but the Brazilians were more convincing in their victory. S.C.O.F.F’s personal opinion is that the Dutch have replaced Spain as the big tournament chokers. Will this tournament confirm S.C.O.F.F.’s view?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Brazil will nick this game 3 goals to 2. The game will go in to extra time with the scores tied at 2-2. Do you wanna bet? Van Persie to get on the score sheet only because he is a Gooner. Yes S.C.O.F.F. (OK! It’s only me) secretly worships Arsene Wenger.

Uruguay vs Ghana
July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

Diego Forlan and that Suarez kid are the only people I know in Uruguay. There is one Ghanaian that I know and his identity shall not be revealed till he tells me too. Things that I do for friends. Ghana are the only African team left and know our feelings towards the people from that part of the world, what do we think will be the outcome of the match?

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Uruguay will win the game 2 goals to nil. Ghana will resist and huff and puff in front of the Uruguayan goal but Forlan will deflect one in the 86th minute and a counter attack will see Suarez score in the 90+4th minute. Mark my words.  

Argentina vs Germany
July 3, 19:30 IST, ESPN

For us at S.C.O.F.F., this is Messi and Maradona vs the Germans. We have actually not bothered to research on who else plays. Just kidding! Klose, Podolski and that guy that can score. No, not Messi – its Ozil. Messi will have a barren world cup. Watch the game if you don’t trust me. 

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: By virtue of their victory over the despicable English cunts, the German should go through but S.C.O.F.F. just can’t separate these teams. Especially after the fight that will take place when Maradona refuses to pass the ball to Messi. Ok, Germany to win on penalties like the last WC.  

Paraguay vs Spain
July 3, 00:00 IST, ESPN

S.C.O.F.F. Prediction: Yes, we have begun this game’s preview directly with the prediction. Why? Because S.C.O.F.F. believes that this will be a snooze fest to forget. For all its magnificence in the midfield and brilliance in the attacking department, Spain will boast 99% possession (the 1% will consist of Paraguay’s goal kicks) but just one goal. To be scored by a proud Catalan and (still) another Arsenal boy Cesc Fabregas.

With that, we tuck our crystal balls back to where they belong and we’ll see you for the Semis. If you want to watch the games with us, the entry fee is a bottle of Black Label (or anything Signature and above). One last prediction – All the best teams will win.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The First of the S.C.O.F.F.ies

I promised a daily blog during this edition of the World Cup and once again I have lived up to expectations. People expected me not to manage and I did not disappoint. Unlike me, the SA WC 2010 has disappointed viewers all over the world with a humming sound and some insipid football. Usually, at S.C.O.F.F., we wait till the tournament ends to present your quadrennial footballing awards or we don't hand them out at all. But, on Sunday something so drastic took place that we just had to wake up from the slumber induced by this world cup. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I present you the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament - The entire French Team, coaching staff et al. Well, frankly speaking, it is too early for this award to be out but we just couldn't help it. Before the World Cup began, I wanted to award it to the English team no matter what. Yes, even if they would have gone on to win the WC. My hatred for them is unmeasurable. But, after drawing their first game, and losing their next I had to sit up and take notice of a team that was imploding. 

Please do not judge us. Every french person I don't know is supporting my decision. Instead of judging us, answer us this:
  • Are Domenech and Govou lovers? 
  • Is Domenech retarded or demented? 
  • Did Benzema refuse to blow him before the tournament? 
  • Is Domenech retarded or demented?
The recurring question every one has on their minds is "Is Domenech retarded or demented?" There is only one person that can answer that, and that person is Anelka.

An update: By the time I published this, there sprang another contender for the S.C.O.F.F. Moron of the Tournament. The English team. Their lack of passion and technical ability will be highlighted by all except their own press. What a bunch of morons. Let's leave it at that for the moment. The tournament has just gotten exciting. Till the next post. Have a happy SAWC10. Cheers!

Friday, June 11, 2010

And we are back with the WC 2010!

On saturday, we met at Willy's for our monthly gathering of drinks, Ustaad's kebabs and Dominic's blabber. We comprised of Willy (duh! it was his house), MM, Dom and me. As usual, as the night wore on, our conversation came back time and again to football and the quadrennial World Cup. As usual, we fought over how the seeding takes place to why Drogba is a cunt. Not in Dominic's eyes though. In Dominic's eyes, Drogba is a giant gay penis that fucks every team in the ass. 

Well anyway, to celebrate the mega event, S.C.O.F.F. will bring you posts with images this time (APPLAUSE). So no more darb articles on how this loser leads his life and lost his butt virginity. S.C.O.F.F. will bring you expert insights, news, interviews and great articles. Well actually, we are just bringing one of our old features in a new Avatar. No, EW is not going to be painted in blue and named Moron of the Match. 

For a start and to mark the x number of hours left for the tournament to begin, let's dwell in to the minds of the experts that gathered on that fateful Saturday night and shed light on who they thought will be crowned world champions. 

Let's start with Dominic. Atom-Dom as he is fondly called, cannot look beyond Lampard, Chelsea and England. Ask traumatized bride and good friend Dipti, at whose weeding AD just got up at random intervals to shout LAMPARD, LAMPARD and CHELSEA CHELSEA. I was embarrassed and wanted him dead, so did Dipti. He has no particular reason why England will win, except for that fact that they are England. How typical of them English fans!

We don't think AtomD will celebrate in the end.

Willy & I: Both of us have come to a consensus and considering how rarely people in our group agree, this one might just turn out to be right. Our theory if that the world champions will either be Argentina or the Netherlands. Both the national teams have unparalleled firepower. Argentina have Messi, Kun, Champions League hero Milito, Tevez, Real Madrid goal machine Higuin as their forwards. Netherlands have the sublime van Persie, workhorse Kyut and Sneijder to pull the strings. The defense is nothing to write home about for both the teams but both teams can pass opponents to death and can outscore even when they are not up to their game.

Willy and I will root for Argentina but have a sneaky feeling that there are two teams to look out for

MM: Miracle Monger will not be around for the WC and thats why he doesn't really care. He knows one thing though. He is dead sure that the Italians, a team that he supported since a child, will not make it. Why, in this day and age of blind support is he saying such a thing? The reason being, Lippi has not taken any proper no 10's along with him. Pirlo a defensive minded playmaker and the heartbeat of the Italian midfield is injured and will be watching the group stages from the stands. Not a great way to start for the Azzuri. When stressed to pick a team, he too couldn't decide between Argentina and the Netherlands. But added that we could never count Brazil out. But who the fuck supports them anyway!

MM has shown his butt to the Azzuris

Except for AtomD, the rest of us agreed on one point - Either Argentina or van Persie. Opps! Argentina or the Netherlands. Sorry that was my love for everything Arsenal. But the point to note is that something astounding happened in all these years - more than two SCOFFERs  agreed on something. It's a rarity, unlike the world cup. At least that comes once in four years. Have a good one folks. Drink and cheer as loud as possible. 

P.S.: I know you guys may not believe it, but I will, starting from tomorrow, blog daily till the WC ends. Cheers!  

Thursday, June 03, 2010

She stole my virginity and my life

I lost my virginity to this beautiful lady called *dumb charades - sounds like* EarningHate. Like all relationships, it was beautiful at first. I was in heaven, at the start. A gaze with eyes so pretty that I was infatuated. She took me in when the world did not know my potential and made me an offer that I couldn't refuse. Once I got to know her, she let me do whatever I wanted. She let me come and go as I pleased, granted me access to whatever I wanted to see. Hell, she even let me court other ladies, but parting with her was something I couldn't bear. I just came running back. We broke up for a period of four months but realised that we could not live without each other. I realised that it was her or no one else. We had found solace in each others arms.

But as all relationships go, everything had its price. Things changed, and our second break-up was bitter, extremely bitter. She said she still loved me, wanted me. She wanted me so bad to stay, that she was willing to do whatever I wanted. But I didn't budge. I wanted out. You know why?

Its because she grew a huge dick. She would shove that thing up my backside, till I begged for mercy. I had to wait late, she would not spare me any social life. She would just rape me inside out. Life became a living hell when she started seeing other people and offered them a lot more than she ever gave me. She said that its how others operate too and I should just suck it up and deal with it. It hurt, but she said this with a smile. She said that she wanted me to stay and she will make it worthwhile. She said she loved me but she refused to take that dick off my behind. Its where it belonged she said and thats one thing she wouldn't compromise. So I left her behind, her and that huge thing between her thighs.

I still wake up in the middle of the night shuddering, trying to grasp reality after that terrible nightmare. My friends can vouch that I have been scarred for life. I just won't stop talking about her even though I have found someone else. Someone a lot better and less demanding. Last I heard that she was seeing some other boy toy, promising him the sky. I wonder how long till he realises, a vigorous hump in his behind. I wish both of them luck. They need it.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Barren Grasslands

Ever since MM has let EW and me in on the Houdini's codes, I managed to disappear from this site for two months while EW has disappeared totally. Word has it that even though MM is down, he refuses to contribute towards this blog and EW doesn't have the time to whine like me. He has grown more positive over these years and equally bald. Man, you guys need to see him now. Hilarious!

A lot has happened since our last post. No, I have not picked up the cancer stick and the quit smoking campaign is going strong. Karma came to bite me like only a psychotic ex would or like any of the bong women in offices around the country would. Luckily, I have no psychotic ex's but I did have a crazy bong chick in my office who was baying for my position, work and blood, in no typical order. Whatever she liked she bayed for.

Anyway the night that I celebrated two months of not smoking by not smoking or drinking, I met with a horrendous accident, one that could be wished for only by an evil mind. The fuck up is that there are two evil minds that spring to mind. Wow, if this were an animation, imagine two evil looking minds coming at the screen. Even better, if this was a 3-D animation. Wow! Please brace yourselves, because I digress. Anyway let's keep the evil minds aside and talk about the accident. The rickshaw that I was travelling in was rammed from behind with such force that it toppled on its head thrice (As recounted by bystanders - I'm not exaggerating) and then landed on the right hand side with my right wrist under the side bars. I was dragged in this position for a good two feet - the total length from being hit to getting up would have been around 30 - 40 yards. While the vehicle was toppling and turtling, I practiced the ol' Manipal Survival techniques and saved my head. Else, I may not have been alive or possibly too retarded to tell this story (as may have been wanted by either of the two evil minds - I need someone to blame people - Management Technique No. 36)

So who are these evil minds that I keep blabbering about? Why have I named this post Barren Grasslands? Where is Osama? What the fuck are my printing classmates up to? The answer to the first question will be answered in the next post; the rest are best left unanswered.

Oh, and did you guys want to see pics of me in a cast? bloated up and in an imported cast? Buzz-Off.

Till the next post, try to give up drinking, if you haven't given up smoking, try that too. Caio!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

News of the S.C.O.F.F.

One of the founding members of the Stoned Circle but who is not a part of it any more was blessed with a boy. S.C.O.F.F. congratulates his wife and him on this beautiful day. Details, theory sessions and practicals on "How to make your own child" featuring this member as a guest speaker to follow soon.

In other news, a peripheral member of the S.C.O.F.F. who will be only known as K-Lo to you, our reader, is tying the knot on the 14th of this month. That's right! He has taken this step, so that he would never forget his anniversary. Also, S.C.O.F.F. which has now become a Manglore-Dubai-Mumbai-Saudi news portal, has just learnt that K-Lo will try and make his own children. And the marriage is just a smoke screen for a child factory. It's not a factory that employs child labourers but one that creates those.

S.C.O.F.F. will bring you the latest images and the news as and when it breaks. Over and Out!

S.C.O.F.F.: We bring you news because we have nothing better to do!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The Quitter’s Diary: Week Two/Three/Four :)

A fact before I let you guys in on my second week of a smoke free life.
  • With this post, we equal the amount of posts we wrote the WHOLE of last year. Smoking at least had a positive effect on the blog. That’s right we wrote seven posts last year and I’m surprised that we managed even those seven. And I should stop saying we. It was I who wrote those seven so whatever applause there is should go in my direction.

Alright now I’ll get to the topic I want to gloat about and the one you want to hear about. The bullet points below list the positive after effects of quitting smoking. Against each point are my comments or what I experienced with regards to those comments in a colour that should not hurt your eye.

After 20 minutes:

  • Blood pressure levels and pulse rate becomes normal. I really can’t say about this.

  • Body temperature of hands and feet increases to normal. I think this is true. I feel a little weird in these places.

After 8 hours:

  • Carbon monoxide in your body drops. I really can’t say about this.

  • Oxygen level in your blood increases to normal. Nor can I say anything about this point.

After 2 days:

  • Sense of smell and taste will improve. You will enjoy your food more. This is true. And being the foodie that I am, I have begun hating the food that I used to earlier love eating. For example, sea shells made in any form were the only sea food dish I could/would eat, but after quitting smoking, they have become unbearable. There is a tinge of fish smell to them. And yes I can smell better. EW won’t get away saying that his farts don’t smell.

  • Your risk of heart attack begins to decrease. I really wish this is true.

After 3 – 4 days:

  • Bronchial tubes relax and your lung capacity will have increased, making breathing easier. I can’t comment on this one. But I do have a suspicion that it is true.

After 2 weeks:

  • Blood flow improves; nicotine has passed from your body. Well, I can write a long letter to the cunts who predicted this about this being so fuckin’ untrue.

Within 2 weeks to 3 months:

  • Circulation will improve, making walking and running easier; lung functioning increases up to 30%. I played football last week and didn’t go this week because no one was going to play. So I really don’t know. I do not get that fatigued though at the end of the day. So it is a big plus.

Now for some of the negative effects. Some of which are associated with the first few days of quitting but these have stuck around for two weeks now and has got me a little worried.

  • I'm cranky (still)
  • I get irritated for the smallest of reasons (still). I get pissed at Emily and make a face that she now calls my hate-face. I'm not sure if it resembles malice or even hate it is just plain irritation. But you can't explain that to a woman. It's towards the end of the fourth week that I have uploaded this post and the fights have increased exponentially. They are extremely stupid and my theory is that my subconscious mind wants to smoke one and will try and hurt my near and dear ones so bad that I reach out for that smoke. Not succeeded thus far and I hope it never will. But its getting increasingly difficult on both of us. I hope she hangs in there.
  • I have recurring dreams that I have started smoking again. In those dreams I keep promising myself that I'll quit tomorrow.
  • My sleep patterns are disrupted. Totally fucked up. It was that bad when I had just quit. Those days I was sleeping like a baby. Now, I count my self lucky if I have dreamless and peaceful sleep.

At the end of this week, it will be a month since that night I smoked last my last cigarette. It feels nice and most of the people are proud of me and have have started telling my story to their friends for inspiration. I quit after 12 years of non stop chain smoking. I'm sure there are others who can quit too. Week three (in fact week four/a month) is over and I haven't smoked. I just wish I could update you guys on a regular basis.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Quitter’s Diary: Week One – Actually Day 10

Sorry people for not keeping my promise of writing at the end of week one. Typical I hear some one say. And I agree. Anyone say nothing beyond that because I don’t want to get pissed of. Emily calls me the Hulk because of my anger and tantrums. I’m sure they are getting too much for her to bear. It iday 10 of being smoke free today and here is today’s tweet:

Day 10 of my #quitsomking resolve. Extremely irritated. Co workers are advised to saty away. I may kill you for no reason at all.

The urge somehow is at its peak today. It compares to the ones I had on the first three days – really strong.

The first week, excluding the first three days, was smooth sailing. I drank, without smoking. I went and played football, didn’t smoke before, during, or after the game. I have been drinking water much more than before. I can taste and smell better. I feel a little healthier. But I do miss not having a smoke. It is getting more and more difficult to resist the urge. It maybe a trick my brain is playing with me. But I know that I have to fight it, come what may!

The urge today, on day 10 is surprisingly strong. Extremely strong! It’s taking a lot out of me to resist and I’m irritated as hell. Like my tweet said, I feel like killing everyone around me and I’m just pissed at anything that talks or moves. There are a couple of people that I met thanks to twitter that say that it is a passing phase and I’ll be alright in a week or two. They went through the same it seems. I hope they are right or I may want to hunt them down and kill them too. Just kiddin! Or am I?

Anyway, I need to buzz off right now. I’ll meet you guys next Monday or before that if any thing comes up. Maybe I’ll follow this post with our time in Goa. I won’t promise that because of my inability to keep it but you never know. Take care and have a #smokefree life.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Quitter’s Diary: Day 4

There is nothing much happening on my front. The intensity and frequency of the cravings has drastically reduced and my body has begun to forget that I used to smoke. The only fuck up is that my mind doesn’t want me to forget. I keep being told to reward myself with a smoke because I have gone these many days without a smoke. Thank God that I can think clearly and refuse the demands of my own body.

Tweet for the day was:
suffer internally or eternally? Looks like eternally it is for the time being. Day 4 of the #quitsmoking movement. Oh the craving!

Anyway I have now decided that there isn’t much to share because the craving is reducing and hopefully I can get my brain to stop tempting me. I’ll keep you guys posted on a weekly basis. You will see a consolidated post on Sundays, as that’s when I complete the first week of being smoke free. Thanks to all those who supported me, prayed for me and even to those who made fun. Without you guys, I would have never got the strength to go through this pain. See you guys on Sunday.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Quitter’s Diary: Day 3

I slept for just 5 hours but not grogy at all for same strange reason. People who know me will vouch when I say that I get cranky due to lack of sleep but I just woke up fresh. Amazing! But the first pang of craving hit me when I was in the loo and then it was all downhill. “Can’t smoke at home anyway!” I laughed to myself fitting myself in to a shirt, then trousers (I'm a strictly jeans guy) unwittingly. To top it off, I wore sports shoes on that combination. I ridiculed a lot at work. On the smoking and craving front, I was pretty normal in office say till about 3:30 – 4 in the afternoon. You can read that through this tweet.

Day 3 of the #quitsmoking movement. Much better than yesterday. The cravings are less frequent and last for a lesser amount of time.

After that, the urge just got crazy. My head hurt to the point where my body could walk up on its own to smoke a cigarette. One part of my brain wanted it desperately and would kill me, if it were possible, to get to the vendor and smoke one. Notice that there are no more voices. I felt like they had collectively formed my fuckin’ headache. Anyway, I’m not going to give in. That’s a given for now!

The cravings are back and with a bang! A thousand hammers in my head all saying one thing in unision: Smoke! Smoke! Smoke!

I did not smoke though. However, I did go out for a drink with Emily and the cravings for a smoke there were practically non existant. Need to stop drinking next. That's for another day. For now, I'm eagerly awaiting Day 4.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Quitter’s Diary: Day 2

Day 1 was a Sunday. When I woke up on Monday, the thought of going to work itself was eating me inside, the thought of not smoking the whole day, while at work was far worse and enough to trigger a craving that lasted for more than a minute.

When I reached work, I was absolutely irritated. I think the traffic, the noise and just the sight of so many people triggered that off. I plonked myself in to my chair and my friend, Jesubhai calls out to me asking me to accompany him for a chai and smoke. I tell him I quit (this was a better way of saying it, in retrospect, because earlier I would say “I’m trying” and nothing would come out of it). Quite funnily he asked whether I have quit smoking or quit having tea. I wanted to laugh but didn’t. I didn’t want to go with him because the thought of seeing him smoke might tempt me too. But nothing of that sort happened but by mid afternoon, my cravings were getting bad. Some of my twitter (follow me) posts are witness to that:

Tweet 3: A million ants are crawling in my veins. The voices in my head are urging, demanding for just one. One sane voice says NO! #quitsmoking

Tweet 2: Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs! Let's kill the bongs!

Tweet 1: 36 hours in to not smoking. Stay away! the voices in my head want to kill you!

The chant of let’s kill the bongs began when the two Bengali women around me began talking. Fuck I couldn’t stand them when I was smoking. Being patient with them at that particular moment I just wanted to kill them with a blunt object so that they hurt and I’m in bliss.

But as tweet 3 suggests, as the day went on, it was getting increasingly difficult. I started reading about people who have quit and how they went about doing so. Twitter had a search #quitsmoking that was helpful with links and testimonials. I never thought that the internet and social networking sites will help but anyway. The work day ended well. Craving were there, I was hyper, fidgety and couldn’t stop shaking my leg, just as EW does after a couple of drinks. But I was grateful that I did not kill, yell or torture anyone or in any order.

When I reached home, my mom commented on the amount I smoked because of the smell my body was emitting. I went like “WHHAAATTT!!!” I calmed myself to tell her that I had quit and it would be 48 hours at quarter to 12.

I had difficulty getting sleep. And I fell asleep at around 2 in the morning after retiring to bed around midnight. Will tomorrow be another day of struggle, I questioned myself.

The Quitter’s Diary: Day 1

It’s the 10th of January. The previous night and all trough the day, I had this terrible fight with Emily regarding my addictions. Readers of this blog and most of my friends know the excess I believe in. I can’t stop at one drink. Hell, I can’t even stop after 10. I can’t stop at one J (I’m doing weed and hash sporadically – it’s even less than once a month) nor can I stop at one cigarette. At the end of our conversation, I decided that this will be the last day that I smoke. I checked the packet, there were three in them. I smoked one on my way to her place, one on the way back and left one for home.

I reached home around 10:30, and I was to sleep around 12 because I was supposed to visit my uncle’s place the next. My cousin’s getting married you see. I smoked the last one left in the packet at quarter to 12 and then went off to sleep.

I got up in the morning without feeling a thing. I knew I wanted to quit and the good thing is that I can’t smoke in front of my mom or relatives because of some weird factor. I still don’t know what it is and if I get through this, I will not care. Anyway the get together at my uncle’s got over by 5 and we were back home by 6 in the evening. That’s when the withdrawal hit me. I had an argument with my brother. My mom who was pointing at my mistake got a good telling off from me for no reason at all. I left in a huff to meet Emily. She was late and I was standing just next to the cigarette vendor. All the voices in my head were collectively urging me to buy a cigarette. One won’t do you any harm they said.

I reluctantly agreed and started walking towards the cigarette vendor. Something happened, and I snapped out of it and ended up buying a packet of chewing gum instead for the same amount. The voices were not happy and the craving was just getting worse. Luckily Emily came by and I was distracted.

We went out for dinner and all I could think of was that smoke. Oh! How badly I was craving for one. A reward for not smoking the whole day wouldn’t be bad. But the reward came in the form of a drink. It was ironical, I usually smoke a pack and half when we sit to drink but today, it was a smoke free drink session. I finally called it a night earlier than usual because my body is tuned to not smoking at home.

Sleeping was difficult but I managed through 24 hours of being smoke free. I thought the next day would be easier. But…

The Journey

It was ’97s Holy Saturday (the Saturday before Easter) when I smoked my first cigarette. I was challenged to be a man and even though I “mouth-fagged” the first few, I was glad that I proved to my friends that I was a man and even happier that I had my first cigarette. I puked my insides out after about three cigarettes but I didn’t mind. I felt like a man. No, I was a man.

Cut to 2010. As per my calculations, it is 13 years now that I have been smoking the cancer stick. I think it is exactly 12 years and 10 months if you think about it. I have had three failed attempts before and one of the voices in my head has a wager that this time it will be no different.

Attempt number 1 was in Manipal when I decided upon a date, threw out all the ashtrays, matches and cigarettes in the room the previous night and woke up the next day smoke free. I didn’t touch a single stick for three whole days - The number I am at right now, which is why it is scary and which is why I have decided to write down a small memoir about my journey to either a smoke free life or a relapse in to a smoke filled one. On the third day, I did about three nitros and had already downed three pegs of whiskey when someone was passing cigarettes around. I sheepishly accepted one, thinking to myself that it will be harmless and I’ll stop after that one. I woke up the next day with an almost full pack of 20’s and it was another three to four years till I decided to quit again.

Attempt number two was a part of a New Year’s resolution and I had the support of two women from my office who decided to quit with me. One started within hours of meeting us and the other within a day in to the New Year. As for me, I went three whole days again!

Attempt number three came the next New Year where I went a week (yes a whole week!) without smoking. But here I was lying to myself. I had not quit, in fact I had cut down because I was smoking a cigarette after work. In order to avoid that, I began buying “Nirdosh” cigarettes that are totally herbal (not marijuana or hashish) and nicotine free. I forgot the pack one day in the office loo and couldn’t find any at the medicals so I went ahead and bought one from the paanwala and then the relapse began.

So now, after 12 years and 10 months, I have decided to quit again. The decision was not mine entirely, my girl, let’s call her Emily here for purposes unknown even to me, was absolutely pissed and psyched with the amount I smoked and drank that she simply broke down. I couldn’t bear that and decided to quit the next day. I did not, as suggested by many, bid farewell to a faithful friend. A friend that has been through thick and thin, through our fights, good news, bad news or even no news at all. I do not have a plan B, no alternate means, no what if. I just have a plan A, which is just no smoking. It is a difficult thing to do. I can’t say I’ll miss this friend of mine that was by my side through almost 13 years of my life. Actually I don’t miss him. But there are withdrawal symptoms and those are chronicled in my diary – The Quitter’s Diary.